My Dearest Privilege,

I don’t know how to start this really. We had a good talk last night right? You spoke and I spoke and we both said good things to each other right? Just like it’s… supposed to be. That day, I know, was supposed to be our very special day. Our own. And perfect. And it was my job to make it so. And… what happened? Right? You did your share, you worked your side and me? I just… slipped up didn’t I?
What can I say but the obvious? What facts can I state that will make any of that less frustrating to you? What manner of explanation, what excuse for my actions can I bring in defense? None. Because there is nothing but the obvious, there are no other facts, I have no explanation and cannot make excuses. You wonder… And do you wonder if I notice? Do you care if I did? Would you are that I cared? Or is it beyond that now…
Privilege. I have lost so much in the transition, my own becoming, my own destruction. I have lost so many natural, normal things that I had before. The things you so much enjoyed. And I struggle finding them again. Where are they? I cannot know. My assumption is that I may have accidentally destroyed them along with the world we created when I dismantled it so long ago. Along with that part of myself. When one destroys a world, that part of oneself, is destroyed also. And you have seen it. That’s why things can’t immediately be the same, just as I told you. The fire… where has it gone now? You wonder… And I take it all upon myself! Even within it, I always did. And yet I cannot find the heart I gave to you, I’m stumbling around in the darkness without a light knowing only what I am searching for, and never what I am finding. Is this it? No. Could it be this? No. The darkness having closed upon the realm that I once understood creating with its presence a writhing mass of trials and errors. And the errors strike you. And the errors are on my part. And you wonder- where have I gone?
That was to be our day. That was to be our night. And I offered beyond what I could afford. Which was… almost, nothing. And that nothing struck you. And you wondered. Because when you returned home, you received a phone call as you always receive a phone call. I have been so sinkingly considerate of the one who speaks on the end of that phone. I dare not speak a word of him. I dare not question a single act or action. I dare not breathe ill in that direction. For I am a one in debt to you, and to him. And cannot step between.
The contrast you find there. An escape from a tormented façade? A reality that you thought would be different than the reality that is? The one where I exist? Supposed to be our special day right? And I could not compete… And as such, you wondered. You wondered then and before then and you wonder now and will wonder until something either goes very wrong and perhaps right for you, or very right and I can begin to repay my debts. As they continue to pile ceaselessly around me.
I cannot be there all the time but I can be there when you desperately need. I cannot be that superhero, but I do still try. I cannot compete with what I do not have. I am not the one I once was, but I am sincere… As it is… I have nothing more than that. If you choose otherwise, I understand. I do so powerfully understand. But for your sake. I will pretend that I do not.