Dear Priviledge,

I once asked you to imagine… the world. Right here in front of the room. Just… floating there.
There are seven billion human beings on this rock, seven billion, and each and every one of them is going straight to hell. Straight-to-hell, every last one of them, except for us of course.
Back home in my church, my pastor once asked a question that got a few amen’s. He said- “Isn’t it comforting to know that out of all the religions in the world, to know, that you’re following the one that’s right?”
In my youth group, we even had this discussion before. We all sat down and marked out all the religions that weren’t going to make it. And we ended up stamping a big old “DOOMED” sticker on 90% of the earth’s population based upon demographics. And as much as that bothered me, at the time, to me, it really did make sense… We were right, they were wrong. And we can’t exactly change them all.
I was raised in a southern Baptist home. My parents are both Christians, and good people. I’ve been in a church every Sunday and Wednesday since I rolled out of the womb. I’ve read and memorized huge amounts of the Bible, I was saved when I was seven years old, I knew all the stories, still know them today. My entire family is Christian, all my friends were Christian, I’m even named after a Biblical figure. No one in my family breathed without God’s say so.
Growing up as I did, it may have been harsh, but yeah, it made sense. They’re going to hell. Judge I was born into religion, it was my entire world.
But recently, my world… has been introducing some new characters. I’ve met more people in the past few months… amazing people. I guess it’s just that time in life. Maybe, new opinions and of course I’m no stranger to other religions, its hard not to be informed these days. Apparently there are more people who believe in more things than I ever imagined. And I always knew they were there you know, I kept the knowledge of their existence in the back of my mind. They’re out there- somewhere. And I’m here. But in the past few months- Them, there, has become Them… here. And I’ve begun to meet with those people that I had only ever heard about before. I’ve met people who believe in God. I’ve met people who believe in many gods, no Gods, people who can’t decide whether there is a God or not. I’ve even met people who believe that they themselves are God, or will become so eventually.
And they don’t like me and my religion. Speaking with these people I’ve heard more about the crusades than in my own world history class! Did you know that way back when, the Christian religion set out on a campaign to Christianize the world and ended up slaughtering over twenty thousand people? And they did it, in the name of God.
Not so uncommon, September eleventh, 2001. A load of Muslin radicals hijack American planes and fly them into the World Trade Center Towers, kill 3,000 people- in the name of God.
Early medieval times, Catholics went to war, to war, over whether when you cross yourself, you should cross to the left, or to the right. People died over that dispute. And they did it- in the name of God. And they did it because they were right. And everyone else- is wrong.
And that’s the way it goes. It happens all the time. I mean, just the other day. It’s morning, I walk into the kitchen for some breakfast, get me a bowl of cereal. And I’m making my cereal and my little brother walks in for a bowl of cereal also and I say to him- “Dude… Cheerios, are amazing.”And he says, “No, Cheerios suck. I’m having Frosted Flakes.”I say, “Whoa, that’s just wrong. Cheerios are definitely better than frosted flakes.”
He turns to me. “You have been deceived brother.”
I say- “No, it is you who have been deceived.”
My brother grabs a fork. “Die pagan!” And he hurls the fork at me! I dodge and snatch a knife from the silverware drawer! He died screaming of my unholy sacrilege.
Now I didn’t want to kill him, but I had to! It had to be done! He actually believed that Frosted Flakes were superior to Cheerios!
Okay. As you might have guessed, that didn’t actually happen. The conversation went quite a bit more like this:
“Dude, Cheerios… are amazing.”
“Cheerios suck, I’m having frosted flakes.”
“Great.”
The-End…
What is it about- religion, that makes an unimportant speck of nothing into a life or death crisis?
Once a long time ago- a man cried out to God to bring Justice to an evil and when he found that the evil was not struck down by a bolt of lightning, had to figure out why the evil was allowed to continue. Because it was all outlined long ago right? Everyone knows about how God is supposed to be, He’s a good God, he doesn’t want evil any more than we do right? Often enough, we are simpleminded enough to base the possibility, and our beliefs in the existence of God, on whether or not what we think should happen- happens.
Why God? Why would you let this happen!? Hello? Hello!! Hey! Are you even up there!?
It’s nearly formulaic. Bad things happen- one prays and it turns in their favor: There is a God. Or- Bad things happen: one prays and nothing alters: There is no God and all the believers are fooling themselves.
Then there are some, who when seeing evil occur and nothing changing decide that fixing the problem is their responsibility. That God himself, herself, or otherwise, is waiting for us to carry out His will. And in the name of God: They went out and fixed the problem themselves. And that- paved the way.
The average insignificant Webster’s dictionary defines “religion” as: “A strong belief in a supernatural power or powers that control human destiny.” Now had I been around and important enough at the time for my opinion to matter and had they asked me at all which they probably wouldn’t have I would have told them honestly what I do believe. Religion is the force which drives mankind to a justification of a barbaric fanaticism that he claims is the will of almighty God
Religion... Unites so many people. It’s like we all join this great club and the people who don’t think that they’re in such a club, the ones who are missing out. I’ve tried to tell them how much fun it is. How they should join a club. But nope. There’s no talking to these people, they don’t care what you have to say- they’re right, and everyone else is wrong. Period.
Sooner or later everyone has to get a grip and make a few decisions about these things. Got to get yourself straightened out, got to take a few steps back, decide what you believe what you really believe. And they have every club in the world out there for you to choose from. And guess what? They’re all right, and everyone else- is wrong. The Christians are right, the Buddhists are right, the Muslims are right praise Allah and the Mormons are right. The Scientologists are right and the atheists are right. Everyone knows they’re right.
Religion is a beautiful thing. It’s like a snowball. The beliefs you hold that define your world. Whatever religion it is- all your little intricacies, and all your faith and truths and evidences and the fact that you are right all forms together like a nice, pure, perfectly round ball of glistening, crystal snow. The idea that conceived it, the wholeness of its structure, the absolute beauty of it…
Snow is only good for three purposes. It’s good for looking at, eating, and throwing at other people. Again, if you think about it… religion does about the same exact thing. Scholars and philosophers look at them. People go to church or mass or the mosque or whatever they go to and get their spiritual food. And then, you go toss it out to other people will normally give a reaction much like having been hit by a wad of cold frosty snow. That’s our job. To bring light to a world shrouded in darkness. To promote your religion, save people, get people’s lives all fixed up.
The world has plenty of snowballs. And they all want to get to the same place. Ah, heaven. That’s the goal. Each one may have their own version of the place but basically that’s where they’re headed. And they want to avoid, the other place… they want to get away from… hell. And they all think they’ve found the way to get to the one, and escape the other. Christianity? It’s Jesus, all the way man! Most of the others figure if you’re a good person all your life and the good outweighs the bad then you get your free ticket in. Kinda like that Santa Clause thing. Be good all year and you get a gift under the tree. Maybe you don’t even believe in heaven. Its okay- you still don’t want to go to hell. No one does. Maybe you don’t believe in that either. I don’t know. I don’t know which snowball you belong to.
Is it the one that’s going to make it? Are you ready for this test? How confident are you in your own beliefs? How sure are you that you’re right? As sure as those fighters in the Middle East? Those people know so strongly that they’ll strap a live explosive onto themselves and set the thing off such is the power of their faith. But are they right? You know what this is about. Truth be told… we can’t all be right. Someone’s got to be wrong. Naturally. How do you know that you’re not the one who’s been mistaken all this time? How do you know?
The funny thing about snowballs is that they can be as pretty and perfect and complete as you like and they can even be a good sturdy snowball and everything about your snowball can make perfect sense, and still be wrong in which case the entire purpose of your life has just to have rolled up a snowball and chucked it into hell. When that happens. All the doctrine, all the devotion and all the effort in the world you put into that religion- mean nothing.
And if that’s the case. The rest of the world, probably about 90%, becomes just a bunch of snowballs in hell, and only one makes it… lucky them huh? How confident are you that its you? How do you know you’re not just as deluded as the next guy? There are people way smarter than all of us here in this room who think they have it figured out and its way different from what you believe. Who’s to say they aren’t right and we’re not wrong? Who decides who makes it, and who doesn’t? In the end… Cause its got to end, people die, that’s the way it goes. Right?
Lets go ahead and freak you out right now. I believe in God. I believe in Him and His existence so strongly that I’d sooner tell you He’s real than say you yourself are. This oratory… for some reason- just became dangerous. Maybe I am deluded. I’m okay. I believe in Him because I’ve felt Him. And power like that doesn’t come from nowhere. I’m no expert on God. I can’t tell you His will, and I won’t. Besides, there seem to be enough people who think they know it. I can’t tell you about God. But I can tell you about people. Planted within each and every person on this planet earth, is the knowledge and the instinct that there is something greater than ourselves- out there, taking place, and we don’t know what it is. That feeling inside of us… demands an explanation. And so we find them, and we create them. We take all that glistening unfulfilled purpose that we feel inside and we roll it up into a perfect little snowball and that, becomes our world, and our explanation for how we got into it.
I think there’s a reason that feeling is put there, inside us. You can try and deny its existence. Say it’s not real. Say you never wondered if there were something bigger than this pathetic planet and the psychos that walk across it. I’m not here to promote a religion. I hate religion and I want no part of it. It’s a creation of man. Judge I’ll be honest with you- this is where I step beyond my bounds. The first time I met God- I spoke to him, in worship, and I experienced something that everyone on this planet is trying to get a taste of- peace… An amazing stillness, a calm that nothing else I’ve ever found can create. Deluded? Maybe I am. I’d gladly go crazy to experience that peace again. Think about your life, what’s it like? Could you stand a taste of that? Am I crazy for wanting more?
I don’t know a whole lot about God. I don’t want to know about God. That’s religion! I want to know God! That way I get that peace and I know His will because when you know God, you’ll be talking to him, and He’s gonna let you hear about it!
And in the end? What’s going to happen? Who gets to decide who makes it and who’s snowball melts? Supposing, at some great end, I stand before God and give an account of my life and there has to be a way to decide where I go, now that I've died and have to go somewhere, is He going to say- "Depart from me you unholy heathen for you were never baptized." Or. "Leave me sinner, you didn't say enough hail Mary’s." Or. "Be cast into darkness pagan, you did not kill an infidel." Or maybe, “Be ye cast into darkness, your wrongs outweighed your rights.”
Be it any one of those things… most of us are pretty much screwed. No, from what I hear, and yep, I’m going to be deluded again, the way you fail and the words that would be said, supposing all of this is theoretically possible of course, is “I never knew you.”
I’ve talked with more “philosophers“, religious leaders, scholars, random people who happen to attend my school who actually kinda know what they’re talking about. I have friends who don’t believe in God now. I have great friends who are Mormon, friends who are agnostic, one who’s Hindu. And plenty from my childhood religion who just don’t know if they believe what they were raised to believe anymore. And you know what? I’m no different than them. They all know they’re right. I’ll admit that I don’t know hardly a thing. They believe what they believe what they believe because of what’s happened to them, same as me. I used to argue a lot about religion. Now… I don't want to know about what I believe in, but who I believe in. God. And it’s given me peace, something that all the snowballs are looking for. But few ever find. I’m me, God is God, I swim in a peace and a desire to love and help people, something not often found. I renounce religion. I believe in God.

Dear Priviledge,

You are quiet. I've never actually spoken to you like this so I know its going to be awkward. You and I have done a lot together. How many stupid crazy ideas have collectively concocted? How many songs? Debate, wrestling, random. Still owe you that XBOX. Like that helps anything...
She's amazing isn't she? Damn. Lets get one thing straight Priviledge, I know who deserves her. And its not the one writing this letter. You know it as well. We're are the best of friends. And she's torn.
My mind pulses with simplicities like- what? what are we doing? We're just High school students. We're nothing and no one. None of this matters, none of this is even... real. Because there are more important things out there right?
Like what? I've heard the same thoughts in you mind too Priviledge. She's torn between us... Something that not even she wants to be. It's a curse God allowed on earth... love. And the ability to apply it to more than one person at once. There was no cheating, there were no lies. There are three worlds tearing at each other now. In this massive black writhing Monsterbox. And it's not my world, your world, and hers. It's You and hers, hers and mine, and ours. Ours maintains as if nothing has occured. Doesn't happen like that often. Like I said... You've been silent. Ours and the other two haven't touched much yet. This letter collides them. Which is why, like all the others, you can never read them.
Common triagle isn't it? Hell, isn't it? Wants her wants him wants her as well wants both... Maybe we'll talk. Because writing this letter. I'm just banging my head into the wall.
If this were a fair world, you'd get her, hands down. I shout it aloud. I asked her, because the girl can't keep a secret. I asked her if she really knew what she wanted. The roots... ran deep, far deeper than I ever suspected. Its a familiar thing, Yours and Hers. Reminds me a lot of Hers and Mine. And I know it reminds her as well. And for the time that it has been, so short and so simple, you two, I know have concocted a very powerful spell not of your own will. And again, I have to be the asshole who brainlessly steps in and says- "Hi guys remember me? I'm just going to pick up where I left off. Sorry for screwing you Priviledge." Wow... had I known. Had I understood the depth, I would have been far far away.
She was so sure of herself and decisions... but then something happened and now she's afraid of still loving you. Which she does, and you love her back. Its not only powerful, but rediculously obvious.
And me? Somehow, no matter how shit I throw at the fan, everyone gets splattered but me. For all of you out there looking for a balance to explain your cruelly unfair lives- its me. I have the cruelly beautiful unfair life. All your luck, left you at birth, and got packed into me. God must have figured I'd need it I guess, what with all the hell I've been in the habit of creating.
I do not know why I am writing this letter to you Priviledge. It does no one any good. No one at all. Were we to try and talk about it. The only thing that would come would be the long awkward silence that occurs when incompatible realities begin to osmose. If I had to say something, I'd say honestly, I want her to be happy. And I'd have to say honestly, I want you to be happy too Priviledge. I can't...
I don't know...

She cares about you Richard. She does. She loves you. I don't know anymore... I don't know a damned thing.

Dear Priviledge,

You see how different it is when we don't talk? As if you never knew me in the first place. And I, as if I never knew you in the first place. It's like two spheres of cold iron clacking into each other as they pass. So informal its sour.
There were things about the two of us that were never meant to be. And there were things about the two of them that were never meant to be. And yet there they were, being. And there we were. Being. I guess it may just go to show, either there is no such a thing as fate, or humankind has its ideas of what should be and should not be engaged in a losing battle with reality. How hard do we fight to prove we can conquer ourselves? You? You fight against yourself harder than anyone I've ever seen. And now we do not know each other.
It was wrong Priviledge. It had always been wrong. And even you in your endless miles of shell- knew that.
I have done the right thing. I have stepped away. I have removed my thick make-up and have returned to my truth. It's different than your truth Priviledge. But when our realities clash, my truth overcomes yours, because you do not follow truth at all, you live a lie. And thus your world recedes for the purposes of others. A thing that you cannot understand.
Again in the way that things should be and the way that things are... for all your efforts, nothing you do seems to discover that ever desireable perfection. And you cannot see why. Stop kidding yourself Priviledge. Stop holding yourself by the bindings of your solid world with rules and absolutes. What truth is that? You exist in a world of black and whites. I live in a world of color. Mine wins... always.
As we pass there are no words, not even the acknowledgement of the world we once created and rules together. I chose to dismantle that world. And you spited me for it. You chose to dismantle the only world remaining capable of conjoining our fragile existences. So now we do not exist at all. I exist. You exist. We do not.
There was always such a blindingly stark contrast between ourselves that clashed against each other when we did not struggle to hold the foundations of those worlds together by force. Even then, lying naked in before me, you did stir me. I dismantled the world we crafted. I returned to another that I had left. Sometimes I float in the solitude of my favorite world. One of my many. The only world where I am the only existant. It is from there that I watch the other worlds I created. The other realities, the other truths. Recession into that existence is peaceful, and serene.
Our story is the one so familliar to The Monsterbox priviledge. I am sorry for intruducing it to you. Not many can handle the possibility of worlds beyond their own. And the creation of multiples. Prosthetic realities to crutch the fragility of their own... it is a hell to endure. I am sorry to have taught you how to create a world as if writing it in a book. To manipulate the allowances of reality. Building new ones from nothing. It is God's work. And we are all fools to toy with it.
What is our story then? We found we had created a monster, and in our regret, destroyed it. But we found, over time, we had created another, and another, and too many to ever destroy. Because it was not something we had created. It was somthing we had always held inside of us. We are but a box of monsters... a- Monsterbox.

My Dearest Priviledge,

Today in the middle of lunch, I'm sitting at school, eating a pathetic excuse for a hot pocket and a small Styrofoam cup-full of cut fruit, and the table right behind me filled with a load of girls, rises as one, shrieks, and backs hurriedly away from the center of the cafeteria. Looking up, we all see this huge spider dangling from the ceiling like some bad mother goose episode. I stand up uselessly with my empty fruit cup and a spoon. I walk over, scoop the dangling thing into the cup, and promptly crush the 2cm abomination with my plastic spoon. One the head was removed; I examined the critter more closely. Oh... how nice, a freaking female Black Widow. The most recognized deadly spider on earth. And it had nearly crawled out of the cup and onto my hand. Good thing I had the spoon handy huh? Its broken body lay lifelessly in a small pool of peach juice, a red hourglass glaring up from the black underbelly. Well, I had killed it... why did I do that? Oh great, he's thinking again. The little gal hadn't done a thing to me. In fact, it's antics were kinda amusing, dropping down from the ceiling into the middle of a bunch of preppy girls who are required by their nature to absolutely freak in the most panicky way possible. But I'd killed it either way. Sure enough. Not because it had done anything. Just for being what it was and where it was. Life... sucks, for spiders.
Today I was in wrestling practice sweating my share of the ocean that forms every time we gather. And while we're up there, we're doing the whole Ramadan things and rolling all over the place and the mat in front of me is as slick as hot butter and I'm absolutely exhausted which is a normal day in practice- suddenly a kid gets turned the wrong way, snaps his neck, and drops like a rock. He does not move. So coach wanders over to him and we continue with wrestling practice. After a little talking and feeling and musing, another coach walks over and they both start to examine him, They pull out a cell phone and call in for something and more adults start to huddle around him. Meanwhile we're just wrestling and working out, tearing holes in the mat, ourselves, each other, whatever. And it's near the end of the two and a half hours and we're all utterly wasted. Coach calls wind-downs so we start twenty five wind downs, then twenty, then fifteen, then ten, five, etc. I'm pouring fluid out of every pore in my body, and it's coming so fast and hard that I swear, it began to turn colors. And we're about halfway through the end and I look over at the kid lying on the ground motionless and a brief thought flashed through my head. I thought: "Lucky dog, he gets to lie down." As soon as I thought it, it passed and I didn't think much of it afterwards. Yes boys and girls, it's true. Did I actually feel honest envy for a kid who might have broken his neck lying incapacitated on the floor of the smelliest room in the entirety of southwest Missouri? Yeah. I did. Do you wonder why?
Not what it does, but what it is. Not what it did, but what it could do. And it's a very sad story. Really it is. So yeah everyone is different. Some people are fearless. I'll give them that. Some people can't sit through five seconds of a wimp-scary movie without getting freaked out. And they do this knowing, truly knowing, deep down, that nothing in that movie will hurt them. They know it's not real, they know that they're safe but they don't believe it for some reason! Books too! People read a scary book- AHHH! And don't sleep at night afterwards. It's just a story. It's just a freaking fiction, they know it's not real, but it scared them anyway... Oh and those freaking news stations. Public alert everybody! Guess what!? BIRD FLU, that's right- BIRD-FREAKING-FLU is headed for you area! Go out right now and buy and oxygen mask! And pills! Lots of those! And heck, get a gun, shoot every chicken you see because it could be contagious and it's better that it be a rotting corpse than a living breathing toxin-laced traveling petri dish of DOOM!
So people get freaked out about things sometimes... true enough, how human are they? I know some people who are terrified of, get this- caterpillars. AH!!! It's a capertiller! KILL IT! Which brings us to the solution to most of our natural world fears... The answer is- Kill everything. That way, being that everything is dead, it can't hurt you. No matter that it really couldn't hurt you even if it were alive, it needs to die. Kill the caterpillar, then it can't get to me... Distance. They want distance between themselves and their fears, and there's no greater distance than death. It's absolutely bizarre sometimes. The fear thing. Phobias and whatnot. And to really wrap your head around it, you've got to narrow it down.
Statistically: When it comes to fear, Public-Speaking outranks Death in public opinion. Again, the audience isn't going to lynch you. And even if they were going to, at least then you'd be dead and that would be better than still speaking right? Apparently. So that's a vague one. How narrow can you really get when people don't know themselves why their afraid of the things they fear? People fear all sorts of things that can't hurt them. People fear all kinds of things too far away to matter, things that will never reach them. And then people fear... themselves. All of those things spinning around in my head only drew one natural question-
What are you afraid of? What are you really afraid of. That's my ultimate question. What is going to happen to you that you have to be terrified about it now. What causes that fear you feel all the freaking time!? WHY ARE YOU SO AFRAID? You know who you are, you know who I'm talking to. Tell me! What are you so darn afraid of!?
People. When a person fears people... its for a million and a thousand reasons. You fear people you don't even know. People who you will never meet, people who will never reach you... ever. And you fear them because there are those people of course, you've heard about them, the bad people. The spiders. They haven't done a thing to you. You don't even know who they are. But you know what they are, and they're bad people. They get on the news all the time. One killed somebody today, another one raped someone else. A bad people held up a store with a gun and nearly shot a guy. Another one beat a woman in the street. They're everywhere! There are hundreds of thousands of them in your neighborhood alone right? They are the writhing seething mass of evil beings out to get everyone they can. And they're real of course. If they weren't real you wouldn't see them on TV, you wouldn't hear about them from cops. They really are out there and they really can get you. And they will if you're not careful. They are the spiders of society. And their name is stranger.
Lock your doors, lock your car, don't go outside at night because that's when they come out. Don't talk to strangers, don't go anywhere alone, carry a can of mace, carry a knife, a gun, carry a cell phone, get Onstar, get a burglar alarm, get coated in synthetic safety, do not, whatever you do, leave yourself vulnerable because the spiders... will get you. They're outside the house right now. The psychopaths, the freaks, the murderers and rapists. And of course not everyone you meet is one of these people but they could be, don't make the mistake of trusting them... you could get bit. And they're venom will strike you hard and fast and because you were unprepared, you'll die. Or something like that. Watch out for them, they're everywhere.
Well of course in such a world of absolute risk and danger it sure is a good thing you have your friends. And at least you've got someone to trust. Someone you can depend on right? Everyone needs those people. Everyone needs a good friend and a pal to depend on. You have to hold on to those people. Because it's hard to find new ones. After all, meeting new people isn't easy when anyone could be a threat. You've got to keep distance from those kind, and keep close your good friends. But... what if you lose your friends? What if you somehow, drive them away? Then you would have... no one at all. So you've got to be sure to be very careful about yourself. You can't screw up and by golly if you do you'd better fix it pronto otherwise you might just lose them forever! It's like a bar of wet soap y'know? Geez. You fear the people you don't know and you fear the people you do know. And I know that you're not really all that terrified of strangers, I've seen you meet new people, you're not afraid of anyone but yourself. You can meet a new person because that's not the spider you're afraid of. You're afraid of the ones you can't see. The invisible mass of evil that you know is out there, but never around you. Who are they? Point one out to me. I'll go say hi to them for you, heck after we meet, I'll introduce you. And then once we all become friends we'll all have one less reason to lock our doors at night. Right?
No, the people you fear the most, are the ones you already know. And the closer they are to you, the more afraid you get. The more valuable something is to you... the more you fear that one and only valid spider you have... yourself. You fear that one the most. Priviledge, yeah, I'm saying your name, you don't fear them. You don't fear new people, you don't fear strangers. You know, just as a person in a scary movie knows that nothing there is really going to get them, nothing is going to happen. There's no one out to get you and you know it Priviledge. And you know it. They are not the people you fear. And Priviledge, it's not the one's you're close to, it's not that you fear the one's that you want to hold onto more than anything. They are not the spiders Priviledge. The only thing you really fear, is you. You fear... yourself. You fear you will lose something that you had. And you fear that it will be you who drives it away. You fear loss, Priviledge, that's what it is. When you combine loss and the words 'your fault' you get the word 'regret'. And that is it. That's exactly it. That answers the question. What are you so afraid of? The fear of regret is the one fear that all other fears funnel into. There's no one out there in the night and we all know it. And no one is going to randomly stop being your close friend and you know it. And the way that this is fixed is by locking those doors. Because we're not locking them out. We're locking ourselves in. We're keeping that distance. We're keeping that comfort-space. Because we can't kill them, and we want to hold those we have close to us, close enough that we'll never lose them. And subconciously Priviledge, you lock them in. And then... they can't get out. This post will only be up till tuesday because of its content but Priviledge I believe so strongly in every word of what I'm saying please hear them and understand! JUST ONCE! PLEASE!!!
You are your own spider! You don't fear them, you don't fear us, you don't fear the audience watching you, you fear only yourself! You know this! And what are you going to do to you? What is it? You think you're going to screw it up and drive people away? You don't trust Priviledge... That's it. I was premature in asking for your trust, really I was. My fault, my blame, I'll take it. You cannot ask a person to trust you when they never trusted themselves. I don't know what happened... you became someone so dependant on what was closest to you that you morphed yourself in little tiny ways that you thought would secure a thing that you already had! And you began to say things that you didn't really believe and you began to do things that were unlike you and Priviledge, you began to wear those faces... all in a desperate attempt to keep a thing that you already had. And I... didn't know who you were after a while. And I couldn't figure it out. And trust and lies and right and wrong and truth and fiction and all of it blended together and... I don't know.
I was the one who didn't understand, then. I was the one who got it wrong. If this is to ever be resolved though, these things must be heard... You are your own spider, and you changed yourself to fit a mold that you thought was best, but it wasn't you. "She lives only of the dependence of others, it was as if... she had no self." And while you were changing. You began to lock your doors. And Priviledge you squeezed that wet bar of soap so tight, so desperately...
I don't think a hundred million words would explain the whole of it. But, if I can, I am trying to explain what I am able, piece by piece. Who are we? What do we want? And why are we afraid and what do we fear? It begins, all of it, with self. All must begin inwards, and then work its way out. Know thyself. Do you trust yourself enough to speak in front of an audience or would you rather die?
The kid who snapped his neck is fine, and in truth I only envied him because I thought momentarily that if I didn't lay down I was going to drop from exhaustion. But I pulled it together. And kept going till we were done. I threw the spider away. And at lunch, still wondering why I killed it, I threw my spider away...

So much for honesty.
It's cold out tonight. A light drizzle has been mopping the ground for a few hours now. I think back and smile lightly to myself, in wonder of all that has happened and the amazing... loss, of so much. Hm... people. How many times have I tried to explain to people... Ah, they never understand. Which is a major reason why I've been so hesitant to explain anything at all about recent events. I've seen the blood a misunderstanding can spill. And am anxious to avoid them. I slip sometimes though. If I don't speak, people will assume, and if they assume, they understand, whether what they understand is what really is or isn't. And that also creates a misunderstanding.
It is in that satirical wonder that I found myself standing blankly by the side of the road watching the rain. Ever remembering... And I think back, and I smile because this winding top of useless words spinning down farther and farther in hopeless effort to uncover truth is finally winding slowly down, and is running out of steam. I hope. I think about people. I think about secrets. I think about truth and lies and honesty and dishonesty and cliche and figures of speech and... eventually they all pool together and mean the exact same thing. I guess that's always the reason that the question of 'why' has always been the most important one to answer.
In the past few months I have seen so many faces on so many of the same people. And I've had my eyes torn open wide. You see I had it all wrong. I thought I understood society. I thought I understood people for the most minute of instances. How... presumptious of me. And suddenly this world I construct that makes sense falls apart and all the minor inconsistencies that existed before become clear and obvious, and I then understand that I've been wrong all along. So many faces... It's a whole new world I discovered. Well, not really knew. It's always been there, just... it's a world that was never mine. I had my own world and my own fantasy. I had my own dreams and assumptions concerning... just everything. And over the past few months I got to know some different people. And I got a taste of another world, a silent current running directly parallel to mine, but invisible to those outside of it, and invisible to those who live within it. I got a small taste of this person's world and I think they got a small taste of mine. And it clashed, violently. Not better I guess, not worse, just different. And not opposed, just incompatible. So all there could be was a taste. And I think she walked away with that flavor lingering in her mouth. Me? I wondered. And I... I guess I got too curious and my curiousity got the eventual better of me. I threw up my hands shouted "Carpe diem!" and took the biggest bite I could manage.
Click, everything changes. I felt like Columbus for a while. You don't see them because you're not in them. But over those past few months, I saw something I've never seen before in my life. And so much more made sense because I didn't live in a world that other people saw. I lived apart, and misunderstood the world those around me shared. And it's utterly amazing. I've been responding to a few rants and there's never anything solid in them. Which is the way with emotion. In one sentence, one speaks of a love that cannot possibly ever end if it exists in the first place, and then in the next, in a new rush of emotion, one says they once had that love, and now it's gone, that it's no longer felt. And on request, too.
I read through letter after letter and book after book and relived memory after memory and I put everything together and I found something solve through the smoke of such a fire... And I saw the new world I had discovered and put the two side my side. And they matched... perfectly. And I felt as if shot at the revelation. So much for honesty... I wish people could hear themselves. I wish that people could honestly... HONESTLY, just listen to themselves when they speak. They'll go on, rant, sling some mud, dredge up crud, boild some blood and let us know about the facts, the unjust acts, the cruel attacks made unto them, and then they'll take it all back. And the reason? They never meant it in the first place. Great... you never meant that... just... what? Why? You see that's why that question is so important. Because people with lie and believe it because they're world defines it as truth. Oh accusations... misunderstandings.
"I did it for you. I said all that so not to hurt you."
So much for honesty. It made sense. People do not speak truth, they speak what they need to speak and then it changes. Almost immediately. the end. I put it together and it made so much sense it was staggering. This new world wasn't really a new world at all, it was only- their world. And not mine. That's why so many misunderstandings, that's why so much conflict. I look back over the past few weeks and I have never seen so many faces... They wear so many faces. Depending on everything from what they want to who's around. So much, for honesty. I've seen people change faces in the blink of an eye recently. Talking to them one second and their happy and smiling and a split second later they stand and bolt away mid conversation, because the company was different suddenly. And I thought wow, I understand exactly how necessary it is, but how honest is it? People might think about living this honesty thing before you pitch it to others. So many faces. They wear them in their worlds. They change so many times. Mostly its leverage. You wear what's appropriate, what's acceptable, what benefits. Yadda yadda yadda. And this new world I found, becomes one-enormous-lie... It's a different world. Oh society... wow. People aren't honest with themselves. They don't believe certain things hard to believe. They don't accept things that don't fit what works. And they create a lie, just instinctively, and they live it. And the world's a better place because no one has to worry about believing what they force to be untrue. They lie to themselves and that lie, that tapestry of so many millions of subtle allowances envelops them and it's so snug and warm... it's too cozy to remove. That's the world people become. Their face that changes. And it's so obvious, but so accepted. It's an understanding between people. Everyone knows it's a lie. everyone knows that they change faces every which direction.
"Don't distrust me though, just because I lie to my parents doesn't mean I'd ever lie to you."
Wow, which one of you is that? The one that belonged to me, or the one that exists around your parents? Around friends, in different weathers, so mysterious, so dramatic, so soap opera... I opened your letter and laughed- "what is all this brick and stone nonsense?" People choose their words carefully depending on whom they're speaking with and it's absolutely amazing the webs some people weave. The understanding though is that in this world, everyone knows, and everyone ignores because everyone believes in their world and the solid fact that it's never fallen apart... not yet, because it never had any reason to. Everyone in this world knows that not everything you say is true, that half of it's a lie. But it's okay, because the one being lied to is a liar as well. They have their own faces and lies and world and... everyone- understands together, that they all lie, together. And its okay. It's acceptable, it's a figure of speech anymore... and, I guess.... it's a very delicate dance, this world. Like the party-goers at Gatsby's. And that's how the world turns I suppose. I understand now. I understand all the faces and all the dishonesty and all the lies and misunderstandings. They have this understanding with each other, this world. The part that I missed I guess. So it really is my fault, all these terrible misunderstandings in the first palce. I just never connected with that. When I say something I mean it, what a crime... To not exaggerate. To not kid myself. My own self! I don't kid myself the truth. And now, because of that, truth is about all i've got left and it's really a worthless thing in a world where truth is whatever you'd rather it would be.
Lies. Not so much lies even... just little allowances that people make themselves. A choice to be, to believe, to understand, to pretend, to be concerned, to make another feel better, to protect themselves from the truth. Just allowances. Tiny little things. Like dew, like little drops of water. And all the people together and all the lies forms a great cloud of confusion to one who doesn't live within it, to one who resides in a separate world... And the cloud of confusion collects all the drops together, all the little denials and it forms like a great rain, drop by drop by drop. And the rain falls drop by drop by drop and is enough, it is just enough, and great enough, that when the shelter of illusion is removed and the rain is allowed through, past the barrier of misunderstanding, to where one discovers the truth, the truth that is there is no longer any truth at all, the rain, then, is enough to drown even the most powerful of fires. The fires all go out, and there is no hope of rekindling any such fire until either the rain stops, or a new shelter against the rain is built, till a new illusion is formed and a new lie to protect the dream that was once a fire begins. But for now... the fire remains completely consumed. In absolute wonder and awe of the brave old world just discovered.
Now you see when I say that once you ask too many questions and recieve too many answers you wish so hard that you had never asked in the first place because the answers were worse than the confusion. Than not knowing at all. I've been watching this dance for a while now and it enchants me like no other. Weaving people in and out of each other. Watching faces... watching the rainfall.
It is like rain. It is very much like rain… on a cold evening in new February.